Advocate for your mother

Mom's three-day stay in the hospital ended about 5 p.m. last night when an ambulance delivered her back to her place. It has never looked so good.

I got to the hospital about 9 a.m., and the day didn't end for me until 8 that night. Mom had slept most of Sunday and Monday, and was sleeping when I got there Tuesday. They woke her to turn her, and then breakfast came -- scrambled eggs, oatmeal with brown sugar, a blueberry muffin, fruit. I started to spoon-feed her, then an aide came in and said she'd take over. She distractedly gave Mom about five bites, then hurried off without explanation and never returned. A perfect example of care at St. Mary's.

I finished the feeding and spent the rest of the day pushing and pulling, pushing and pulling. The hospital is really a warehouse for people in need, who might get seen, or not, whatever the system willed. We had a nurse, Judy, who came and went almost randomly, and whenever we actually needed help, she was nowhere to be seen. Dr. Hirpara was the one sympathetic presence.

Mom, as she slept, kept raising her arms and waving them like a choir conductor. The nurses said this is the influence of the drugs -- maybe she's hallucinating. She seemed to grab at things.

At one point she woke and said, "Philip." Her brother. I said, do you remember Philip? "Yes."

Do you remember Melford? "Yes."

Orla? "Yes."

Paul? "Yes."

Mark? "Yes."

Ann Arbor? "Yes."

Leech Lake? No answer.

Then she said, "Where is Ahna?"

"She's coming at Christmas."

"I wanna go home now," she said.

Judy the nurse was my conduit to the case manager, Jennifer, who would set up hospice. When I'd specifically asked for Allay to provide hospice -- which Mom's place requested -- Jennifer went ahead and appointed Horizon, the hospital's system. I insisted on Allay, through Judy, and that took about two hours to turn around. Then I got a call from Allay, asking me -- me -- to tell Jennifer to fax over Mom's records. I had no way to reach Jennifer, so I tried and failed to find Judy. I asked another nurse, Julianne, if she could locate Judy, which she couldn't. Finally -- quite a while later -- Julianne came to the room and said, "... and then I thought I could call Jennifer myself!" Brilliant!

Finally, Jennifer was reached, faxed the documents, and came down to meet us --  like God appearing. Hirpara and Allay, after seeing Mom's documents, certified she qualified for hospice, and then we were kind of stalled. Finally I asked Hirpara if we could move her today (Tuesday), and he said yes, she would be moved today. Some unseen powers made arrangements for an ambulance.

I left before the ambulance came to meet with Julie M -- yet another "J" name -- from Allay at Mom's place. I signed a stack of papers saying this was our choice, and that Mom's care would be in the service of comfort, not, basically, improvement of her condition -- that there is no cure. That felt, um, heavy, and I had to think about it for a minute.

Mom arrived and the EMTs got her into her bed, and she looked relieved to be there. It is a place we know, where we have some say. I fed her baked fish and spinach in her room, and she ate well, followed by a big dish of ice cream. She looked better, her color returned. She was a little chatty, and quite choosy about what food she would accept. Then she fell off to sleep.

I was glad I was there with her at the hospital. You really have to push for what you want, or your mother will get lost.

Julie came and introduced choral music.