The obligation

The Menomonee

Yesterday's panicked call was a momentary phantasm -- forgotten, I think, as soon as she hung up the phone. I wonder sometimes if these calls are calculated -- invented threats that might get me there pronto.

Anyway, at 3, when I did arrive, she was sitting in bed, calmly sorting her papers. We walked, I read to her, and I left her at dinner, and it was fine. Then, today, church. She seemed zonked out, but we made it through, and then to the Bistro for brunch. Sat with our friends, J and B, who talked of the eight years they lived in an ashram in California. Interesting. Mom said nothing, and I am long since past trying to involve her or feeling, somehow, crazily, bad that I'm having a good time that has nothing to do with her, in her environment. I tell myself that she enjoys listening, but I can't prove it.

I won't miss this when it's over -- if, in fact, I survive her. I'll miss J and B, and Mom, somehow, I'm sure. But today, I just don't feel it.