Where is the joy?

Slammed by snow

I got five calls in two days after my sisters left town. Mom said she was in crisis, or didn't know where she lived, wanted me to come over. I am inadequate to the depth of her need -- it will never be filled. But this has happened before -- people come, she's the center of attention, and then they leave, and she falls into a hole.

The funny thing is, she didn't seem to be having an especially good time during Christmas. There was a lot of noise, a lot of people. She looked, as one sister said, like she had one foot in the grave -- gothic and frightening.

I wonder if joy is beyond her. Or, maybe the expression of joy. Her face rarely shows happiness, but, still, she could be happy.

I finally got there last night -- she was buoyant and her mind and mood were good. We had dinner, went through mail, did a couple of Christmas cards, She got tired and I left her with the aides and departed without trouble.

Another call today when I was at work. Was I coming over? No, I said. But young Ezra went tonight and took her to the New Year's Eve event at the place, and that was nice of him.

Then I got a call from a nurse saying she'd fallen this afternoon -- even before Ezra got there. Got out of bed, reached for her walker, and went down on her head. No sign of injury. It's become routine. I have half-promised to go tomorrow. I'm sure it'll be a long boring day there. But I'll wait till late afternoon so I don't get trapped.

So this is the not especially satisfying state of things. Hope everyone has a great 2016. You know where to find me.

A little reading from Kerouac on Niece K's birthday, Dec. 26.

A technological advancement

Hey! Video! It's not a great video -- just wanted to get that wine in there at the end -- but it actually does work, I think. Let me know, if not.

I'm enjoying a Sunday away from church, while Sisters S and K fill in.

For our three-day Christmas, Mom worked hard to stay engaged. For at least two days, she was at the rental house well past her normal bedtime. True to form, she was more attentive to who wasn't present than who was. Like when Ahna called, her first words were, "I'm so angry that you're not here." And when two members of the party had to fly off a day ahead of the others, it was "I'm so upset that they left."

It is easy to poke at her, but it's hard to be her. Something I should remind myself of more often.

Love that mac and cheese

The state of the church

Natal

72nd Street

Merry Christmas everybody!

We've got the whole fam damly here in town staying at a rental house. We ate meatballs and lefse last night, opened gifts and sang carols. Fun. Mom was a trooper, lasting till 7:30 before getting a lift back to her place. She'll be back later today, I think, after Christmas morning chapel.

Young E and I did the candlelight service at the big church last night, then went back to the rental for more drinks and chat.

Sad that Julie couldn't be with us -- she went to her mom's for a very quiet two-person event, with her  mom going to bed at 6:30. These mothers! I am hoping that there is some earthly pay-off for these mitigated experiences and that we don't  have to wait till heaven takes us. If there's a heaven.

But anyway.

We snuck to DC last weekend, two nights, to see Ahna and Blaise, getting back early Monday morning. Consequently -- or probably it would have been anyway -- it was a rough week at work, given the harridan nature of my boss, and my own lifelong inability to kowtow to authority. Retirement, I think, is wasted on the old, and I can't wait.

Have a great new year!

A and B

Ez and Chris on a background of salads

 

No good answer

A couple of fairly placid weeks till this week. 

I got a call Monday from a nurse saying that Mom had fallen and hit her head in the bathroom. Her private aide was there, in the room, and the nurse was livid that this had happened. Mom was OK, I guess -- no blood, and no sign of any problem. Mom called me shortly later to say she had had "a little fall and it was MY FAULT."

I called the aide's boss and reported this, and also reported a vague comment from Mom that the aide sometimes falls asleep in the chair when Mom's in bed. The boss said these were serious problems, and she called the aide, who reported that the fall had happened when Mom got out of bed "fast" and went for her walker and fell before she could do anything.

Mom never gets out of bed fast. I thought it likely that the aide had fallen asleep. The room is eight by ten, and you can't be in there anywhere and not reach Mom in a couple of seconds. But the aide denied that she ever nods off. We pay extra for this aide. Her only job is Mom. So she is on notice. I'm a little pissed by all of this, and I think that Mom calling it her own fault is just a way of protecting the aide. I have debated seeking another worker, but Mom is attached to this woman, and, by the aide's reports, she does get her out of the room for exercise and activities, and Mom does recall most of the specific activities, when asked. One recent day, I think it was Tuesday, Mom didn't nap at all, according to the notes.

Meanwhile I have lined up the aide for extra work on Saturday and Sunday, when Julie and I will be visiting daughter and son-in-law in DC. But I canceled her for days around Christmas. 

Mom also has reported "fights" with the workers, and being "yelled at." I don't know what to make of it. When I ask her closely, it seems to be about her getting out of her chair, when I have seen them yell and come running. She persists in doing this -- she'll fall and break something else -- and says they treat her like she's in jail. I think the night staffing is thin -- just three workers, I'm pretty sure -- and some nights they're probably putting out several fires at once.

Sister L has suggested moving her to NYC, where there is more family to spread the visits, but to move her -- she's already confused about where she is right now without a move. And I have thought of bringing her to my house, but we're never home, and to get an aide for her when we're gone means there's just one person to interact with, not the many she has every day now. She's made friends, she would be deathly bored at the house, and I would go crazy. There's no good answer. 

The yin and yang of altruism

Medical students, who really don't sing so well.

A Christmas sing-along Wednesday, an aimless afternoon yesterday, and today a chapel service she seemed to pay little attention to. I followed along in the program with my finger, showing her where we were, but her head was always up, looking at the people, sometimes staring.

I'm not sure that it ever really was the content of a church service that engaged her so much as the hour of quietude, the music, the people, and the social hour. When we were kids, and even older than kids, she used to unwrap candies in the middle of a service -- inflicting the little crinkling of cellophane on, say, a moment of silence -- and pass them out, a sort of acknowledgement that church often lacks sufficient stimulation, and a little sugar, more than the Holy Ghost, will keep your spirit up.

Mom put on her glasses in the middle of the service today -- a spasm of "I should at least try to pay attention" -- and seemed unable to land the glasses on the bridge of her nose, so that when she was done, the center bar of the glasses was cocked over one eye. I hurriedly fixed it, but, just watching her, I felt bad that even this simple act seems almost too complex.

Yesterday we called one of her lifelong friends, and she's pretty good on the phone, something about it clicking for her. But when I tried to explain that I was going to meet Julie and a friend for lunch after church today, it was immediately mixed up with Christmas plans, where I'd sleep, where she'd sleep, where did I live, when were we leaving, how did I find her, who was the friend, how can she get some money, where was her checkbook, what time would I be back, and what would she do all afternoon.

It's that last one that kicks in my guilt. I had no idea what she'd do all afternoon, other than sit in the penalty box chatting confusedly with one of the aides, take a nap, eventually have dinner. All I really knew was that I didn't want to be there for it.